Fears & Loves: 2 of 52
In the spirit of one of my favorite podcasts, Mental Illness Happy Hour, and as a way of cheating actually writing a fully-formed blog post, I present you with this. 38 random fears, and 38 random loves. Annnnd, go:
1. I am afraid the moles on my face are cancerous.
2. I’m afraid that my depression will never allow me to fully commit to my artistic career.
3. I’m afraid that any art that I make will be terrible, but people won’t tell me because they love me.
4. I’m afraid my dog will attack another dog and we’ll have to put her to sleep.
5. I’m afraid that getting a dog was irresponsible financially.
6. I’m afraid I’ll never own a house.
7. I’m afraid we’ll get a secret infestation of some kind of biting bug, but I won’t notice until it becomes too late to get rid of them because my skin is so sensitive that I get random bumps and rashes all the time, for no reason.
8. I’m afraid of showering with the door unlocked, even if Kevin is home, because someone might break into the apartment, kill him silentlyI, and then kill me.
9. I’m afraid of the twisty turny high up freeway on ramps in Seattle, and that I’ll go flying off of one.
10. I’m afraid that I waited to treat my plantar fasciitis too long, and that I’ll never be able to roller skate, ski, or properly hike again.
11. I’m afraid that everyone can see that my hair is thinning and no one is saying anything.
12. I’m afraid that I’ll go bald.
13. I'm afraid that I’m too emotional to be truly effective.
14. I’m afraid that I wasted 26 years of my life pursuing a passion does not care about me.
15. I’m afraid that Amazon will continue to take over the world economy, deplete the world of its natural resources, and lead us into a Wall-E situation.
16. I’m afraid that my friends with kids secretly judge me for not wanting them.
17. I’m afraid that I’ll want kids and it’ll be too late.
18. I’m afraid that all of my friends will have kids and I won’t be able to relate to them.
19. I’m afraid that I’m wasting my talent.
20. I’m afraid that I don’t have any real talent to begin with.
21. I’m afraid that I’ll be walking too close to the greenery on the sidewalk and a rat will run across my feet and bite me and I’ll die of some obscure rat disease.
22. I’m afraid of becoming hopelessly out of touch with emerging technology and social media.
23. I’m afraid that I will have wasted the enormous amount of privilege I have and not have anything real to show for it.
24. I’m afraid that I’ll look back at my life and wish that I had taken more risks.
25. I’m afraid that I will lose my engagement ring (again).
26. I’m afraid that I will get socially anxious at my own wedding and have no way to take a break or deflect the attention for a minute.
27. I’m afraid that my dog will step on a hypodermic needle while on a walk.
28. I’m afraid that my dog will need expensive medical care and that we’ll go into debt trying to pay for it.
29. I’m afraid my family judges me for the choices I’ve made and the money I haven’t made.
30. I’m afraid that I’m too much and too little at the same time.
31. I'm afraid of the Unsolved Mysteries theme song.
32. I'm afraid that my friends and family are judging me based on my size and not saying anything.
33. I’m afraid that I’m not living up to my potential.
34. I’m afraid that Seattle is becoming San Francisco and I won’t be able to afford to live here anymore.
35. I’m afraid that Capitalism is creating a feudal society in which tech workers and venture capitalists are our overlords and the only surviving professions will be those that caters to the whims of the techno-elite.
36. I’m afraid that we’ve reached a point where we can’t do anything to stop catastrophic climate change and that the world will effectively end before my nephews can truly experience it.
37. I’m afraid that I’ll hate my wedding pictures.
38. I’m afraid that my writing is confessional and self-indulgent and of no interest to all but a couple of people
Phew. And, loves.
1. I love bookstores. I love the feeling of possibility when walking into a bookstore—the number of worlds to get lost in, the number of skills to learn, the number of people’s stories to connect with.
2. I love the sweet smell in the air when summer finally hits the Pacific Northwest.
3. I love being an Aunt.
4. I love the fact that my dog uses her paws as a pillow.
5. I love watching my dog twitch and whine in her sleep and wonder what she’s dreaming about.
6. I love getting flowers—either from someone else, or for myself.
7. I love the feeling of a fresh manicure.
8. I love those moments when traveling when you open yourself up to spontaneity and get to experience a place in a way most tourists wouldn’t see it.
9. I love laying in bed and reading silently with my fiancé.
10. I love the beginning of a roadtrip when you haven’t busted into the snacks yet and you haven’t gotten sick of your playlist yet.
11. I love discovering a block or a park or a garden on a walk that I’ve never noticed before.
12. I love singing my heart out in the car in traffic.
13. I love the feeling when an actor finally gets the moment and I helped them get there.
14. I love creating moments on stage that transcend any preconceived idea I had of the show.
15. I love my opening night Martini.
16. I love getting to know my nephews and seeing them develop distinct personalities and curiosities.
17. I love the feeling when Mount Rainier appears seemingly out of nowhere and dominates the skyline.
18. I love how my clothes smell after a night sitting by the campfire.
19. I love ‘looking at my own history in the faces of my friends.’
20. I love the feeling of presence I get when giving a tarot reading.
21. I love the feeling after a run where my whole body is tingling.
22. I love the feeling after jumping into very cold water where my whole body is tingling.
23. I love the smell of fresh lavender.
24. I love burning a new candle for the first time.
25. I love candlelight and how calm it makes me feel.
26. I love being the first one awake and getting to quietly start my day.
27. I love the manic feeling of laughing so hard that you feel like you’re going to fall off the edge of some laughter precipice forever.
28. I love rediscovering a game or a book or a T.V. show or a commercial that I saw when I was younger and recreating that feeling upon seeing it again.
29. I love 1950’s, 60’s and 70’s educational films about bizarre topics.
30. I love the feeling of sitting in a movie theater when the previews end and you’ve forgotten what movie you’re even seeing.
31. I love the view from the hammock at the cabin.
32. I love losing myself in the process of creating a self-portrait or a portrait or an elaborate doodle.
33. I love playing stupid board games with my friends.
34. I love hosting an event or a party where friends and family get to meet each other and I get to bask in the glow of the wonderful people in my life.
35. I love sitting and eating breakfast with my fiancé and bothering him with my chipper morning-person-ness.
36. I love when I’m driving and the moon slips out from behind the trees and makes me feel like I’m filled with moonlight.
37. I love the feeling after I’ve just cleaned the whole house and can relax and have no obligations.
38. I love the feeling of soreness after a good workout or yoga session or day of yard work.